weight of a word
age 22
the first time my therapist
uses the forbidden term
inc*st
i remember how that noun
sank into my body
an anvil dropping down down
into the sea
nowhere to be found
for day weeks months
i couldn’t even say the word
inc*st
without wanting to vomit
i even told my husband
i wanted to die just to be reborn
as if that would clean
up those dirty places
i dared not even touch
so i stopped saying the word
inc*st
called it the big bad
big ugly
my own personal Voldemort
anything except the actual word
to extricate myself from the reality
that came barreling with it
and that’s the problem
you see
how could i ever heal
from a word i refused to say?
i let that word place cuffs
upon my wrists
shackles around my ankles
and duct tape over my mouth
the only way to break free
i realized
was to begin saying
without shame or fear or filter
that i survived
the word no one ever wants to hear
*Published in From The Ashes: An International Anthology of Womxn's Poetry